Self-Directed Teens: The Distinction Between Supporting Interests and Entering into Shared Experiences

I’ve been thinking about the distinction between supporting our teens’ interests (and children’s too, but this is more about teens) and entering into shared experiences with them. 

Last week I shared the following online:

“Something I’ve never regretted is time spent with my teens. Ever. A lot of what I hear when parents talk about the teen years is dropping kids off and waiting to pick them up. I do lots of that too but there’s also something about shared experiences outside of just the back and forth that bring context and memories. Supporting interests is wonderful but every so often actually entering into the experience or doing something that is of enjoyment to both brings an even deeper connection.”

I’ve had a few people connecting with me about this which always spurs on more thoughts, so the following is some further reflection I’ve been doing … 

Supporting interests for us has included looking into opportunities to further passions or things that pique curiosity, purchases or loans of related items and more, but mostly what I’m thinking of is the driving and the waiting and the carpooling and the parent volunteering at concerts, tournaments, weekend camps, etc. To be clear, I’ve done a lot of this. And some of it was handy for me too and allowed me to multi-task. I’ve gotten work reports written while sitting in the grass near out-of-town skate parks, scheduled regular phone meetings on youth group night and choir night, brainstormed support shortages for work while waiting for kids to come out of basketball change rooms. I’ve gotten to know my kids’ fantastic friends well through pick-up and drop-off and figuring out together how to load multiple snowboards into the back of a vehicle. It’s been busy and full and wonderful, but it’s only one way to build and maintain relationship. 

It can seem like it’s the main thing to do. We see our kids growing up and changing and we want to hang on, maybe even cling at times, to who they have been. But we can’t. Those pieces will always be a part of them, but they aren’t the full story. 

And so the next best thing might be to follow along, supporting, encouraging, taxi-ing to and fro, grabbing favourite snacks and making ourselves available to listen should they want to process. This is sooo important. Sometimes it’s where they need us to stay for a season; individuating can be hard work and there’s a whole lot to sort out between who their family is, who they are and where that weaves together. 

But often, after some processing, there is some space to connect on more common ground. 

It can be larger scale, like the longer volunteering I’ve done alongside two of the kids based on at least some degree of common interest. Sometimes it’s as simple as a puzzle afternoon or a game or two of an online word game. 

What’s different? Shared context. Shared memories on a different level. Equal footing. 

When I am ferrying my kids back and forth and being a parent volunteer at their events, they appreciate it. And it’s good. It shows them that I support them, love them, am willing to step out of my comfort zone either to buy materials, drive at all hours, supervise an event or fundraise.🙄 I’m there to process with them, if they wish, on the bookends of the activity. In short, they see that I love them and am willing to make sacrifices for them. 

But it is still their experience. As much as in my eyes, it’s time or money or energy central to them, I’m but a small part of that experience in their eyes. A consistent part, a necessary part, but not central. 

Something that’s a shared experience, though,  feels different. It builds common culture. Both people are involved and invested. It allows our kids to see a different side of us, beyond the practical caregiving role, as someone who has interests and curiosities of our own. And we see a different side of our teen too. 

This was illustrated to me so clearly last weekend. L is working and adventuring as part of a wildlife youth organization. She found out about it and has been communicating with the leader,  but she’s 2.5 months away from being able to fill out her own waivers and permission forms. So we did that together and she was excited for the first volunteer shift. We had a great drive and I booked myself into a study room in the town’s library, settling in to facilitate a virtual home ed conversation. Finished before she was, I looked around for somewhere we might stop on the way home together. After picking her up, we made a quick stop but that’s all she had the interest in. We had a pleasant drive home and scouted out a place in the backyard for her remaining pollinator plants. She’s been communicating with the group and scheduling events through the week and I’m excited for her to do water testing by kayak next. We’re coordinating calendars to make sure there’s a car available her to go. All good. But again it’s about me meeting her needs. Me getting her to the place.

But wait? Isn’t that my job as a parent? 

Yes, but living life together and making subtle shifts toward an adult relationship are also part of it. And that’s exciting, fulfilling and just feels different. 

Last year we had one of those common experiences. We were both volunteers at an endangered bird program through spring and summer and the happenings, the process, the outcome, were things we were both engaged in – not just me supporting her interest, but my own actual interest as well. Would I have committed to it without her? Likely not. Having done it now though, I’m definitely interested in it again sometime even if just for myself.

I can remember inviting my son for a camping trip when he was 14. It was so different than the camping we’d done prior, either with our family, other families, or groups of their friends. Those trips were fun but they were centred on the group and were much more about me making sure everyone was safe and offering opportunities than having much time to notice what I might like to do. The teen years offer an opportunity for a different kind of energy. We ended up doing two trips, just he and I, that year and then another trip the following summer before my daughter started joining us. And our trips are very collaborative. We talk ahead about what we’d like to do, how we’d like the feel of the time to be, what to explore, and how to relax, all while leaving lots of open time as well. We talked about what we each wanted before going away when the kids were younger too, but it didn’t usually play out quite the same way at those ages.

This first camping trip with just the two of us was also really quite different than the summer before when I took all my guys plus their friends camping. Notice I said “took” them camping, rather than “camped with” them. If I’m honest, that’s what it was. We’ve had other trips with other families, but this time, no other parents were able to go, so I figured it out and supported their interest in camping with friends. Yes, I enjoyed parts of it, but it was also exhausting at times and the menu, pace and activities were based around providing them with an experience. 

But our upcoming camping trip with just three of us feels like comraderie. Like friends with a common interest planning time together. 

I’m trying to think of how to wrap this up and maybe it’s with the words that surface when I think about these shared experiences:

Comraderie

Authenticity 

Support

Mutual encouragement 

Invitation 

Reciprocity

Shared learning 

Equal footing 

Deep exploration 

Evolving knowledge and skill 

Collaboration 

Gratitude 

Life lived fully 

Awe 

Partnership 

Joy 

Fun!

These sound like powerful words, and they are, but again, the experiences themselves can be simple.  A series to watch together over a number of weeks. A common book to read either together or at the same time, a walk or bike ride, baking something together for the sake of it, or maybe an online word game that isn’t even necessarily a passion but just something you jointly get some enjoyment from. Even if you never seem to win. 😉

What could you invite your teen to do that would encompass something you’d both enjoy? Or maybe like to try?  The timing might not be right and they might say no. But then again, they might say yes.  And if the invitation comes from them, I’d consider taking them up on it. 🙂