I finished my last bite of lunch and put the container in my bag, preparing to head out to drop my daughter and her friend off to their Art class. We were at a library in a community centre the next town over and we had been reading in one of the private study rooms. As the girls headed out to the car, the guys and one of their friends came inside from the skatepark and sunk into the chairs to catch their breath. They each had a package of cookies from the vending machine and sat down with them, unopened. I looked curiously at them each sitting there with an unopened package.
“Oh, we’re not allowed to eat,” S explained.
“Really?” I replied. “The sign in the open part of the library says there isn’t to be eating between 10-12 but it’s already 12:45. We’re in a private study room. I don’t see any sign at all for these rooms.
“Well, one of the librarians told us that we couldn’t eat,” S said matter of factly.
I must have looked surprised. “I wonder if she realizes what time it is. Did she realize you guys were headed into the study room?”
“She definitely did,” M told me. “She told us that we’d better not be thinking of eating these in here.”
“In a very snarky voice,” S added.
Hmmm…
“Alright. I guess don’t eat them for now until we figure it out. I need to head out to take the girls to Art but I’ll check it out with the librarian.”
On the way out, I passed the desk with two friendly librarians chatting with each other. I decided to talk to the one who I thought might have spoken to the guys. I could see her face change when she realized that I had been in the study room with the them and was, in fact, connected with them. Very pleasantly, I told her that I was heading out for a short bit and was wondering if we had the hours and areas of the food restriction mixed up. I explained that my son had come into the study room and said that he couldn’t eat. I also explained that I had actually just been finishing my own lunch when they came in so it would be good to understand for my own purposes.
She laughed nervously, looked sheepishly at the librarian beside her and immediately told me that she had been mistaken. She had told the guys they couldn’t eat and it had been a mistake on her part.
I thanked her, said it was good to know and headed out. When I returned, S informed me that right after I left, the librarian had come in, told them that they could go ahead and have their cookies and apologized for having told them they couldn’t. Nice! I think the apology went a long way. I’m also not kidding myself that it likely wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t realized I was aware of the situation.
In general, I really like the staff at this particular library. That being said, we’ve had other obvious happenings against the guys. Once the same few were sitting around a circular table in a somewhat isolated, but open (does that even make sense?) area. They were just chatting. I was in an aisle beside them looking for something on one of the bookshelves. I saw a librarian repeatedly walking back and forth and lurking around the corner. Suddenly, she saw me walking toward them, realized I was with them and visibly relaxed.
“Oh, good! You’re with them! I wasn’t sure.” She have me a knowing smirk. I smiled back because, well, that’s my default, but for a second I wondered what she wasn’t sure about.
A few guys, ages 18, 17 and 16 (years past the age of 12 when kids are formally able to be in the library without a guardian) sitting openly around a table, chatting quietly over their laptops, with some skateboards under the table and a basketball neatly placed in a backpack??? But really, I knew what she wasn’t sure about. What she wasn’t sure about is that they are teen boys. Outdoorsy teen boys. Skateboarding teen boys. Teen boys in a small group. Therefore, they are automatically suspect to a certain degree.
We talk about this from time to time, them and I. I don’t make a huge deal of it because I don’t think it serves anyone for them to become overly defensive – the majority of people treat them really nicely – but I certainly acknowledge the unfairness of it when it happens.
I acknowledged it when they very reasonably went in to work together on a joint venture at an entirely different library, carrying the skateboards they had used to get there and were denied entry because “no vehicles are allowed in the library.” They offered to zip their “vehicles” into their backpacks as much as possible. The answer was still no. There is a bike rack at the library but nowhere to “park” a skateboard.
I acknowledged it in the large lobby of a public building when we were with a bigger group of friends …parents, teens and kids. While the group of mums I was standing with chatted and laughed, the group of teens (our children) beside us, also chatting and laughing, were reprimanded and asked not to loiter. Embarrassment filled the face of the employee when he realized we were their parents – also “loitering.” For the record, we’d all paid to be there and were standing in the very public lobby.
I acknowledged it when M and S took the same online provincial credit and once the teacher realized they were from the same house, accused them of cheating on a project. This was a course they were taking by choice and they had absolutely no interest in cheating. This was a personal goals assignment. They had very different goals and very different formats and styles. They had no intention of copying each other’s work. They weren’t even around each other while putting them together. Sigh.
It isn’t that I’m not sympathetic to some of this. We all tend to operate based on past experiences. The librarians in the first examples were likely reacting based on some assumptions. The library has put food restrictions in place for the lunch hours of the high school next door. They had a lot of damage and cleaning up to do after lunch hours that had reached a high point so I understand why they came up with some guidelines around food during certain hours. I understand why that librarian’s gut reaction was to feel the same way about my guys coming in, but it doesn’t actually make it alright. Particularly not alright is the fact that apologies only come if the librarians realize an adult is aware.
As for the skateboards not being allowed in the other library because they are “vehicles,” again, I’m not unsympathetic to the fatigue that some of the staff there likely feel. There have been quite a few fights between youth outside the front door and some really loud and disruptive conversations between large groups at times. Again though, let’s take a breath to not paint everyone with the same brush. There are also upset or excited toddlers and big groups of older people having very loud conversations on the way into the games room and believe me, it is not lost on the guys that those people are louder than they are and yet are not spoken to or asked to quiet down. Large strollers with bigger wheels are permitted in the library but skateboards, carried under arms with no wheels touching the floor, are not.
So, what to do?
I’ve been trying some things.
I have found that teens are more likely to be treated respectfully if they have a respected adult somewhere in the vicinity. I wonder if the reason this seems to happen to us quite a lot is that we often have a group of guys – sometimes as few as 3 but other times it has been quite a few more, especially around activities such as snowboarding. If I’m dropping the guys off somewhere other than an outdoor basketball court or gym, I often casually walk in with them at the beginning, maybe to sit down for a couple of minutes or just look around before I go. I make a point of being seen chatting with them for several seconds and smiling so that the staff knows they are connected with me and that I respect and enjoy them! I also smile at the staff and make sure to say “hello.”
In each of the situations I described above, I wasn’t right there beside them but made my presence known politely but clearly as soon as I was there. Going up to talk to the librarians in each of these situations was important. It demonstrated that the guys were connected to someone who was noticing and reinforced that they weren’t doing anything wrong.
I am obviously not everywhere all the time, though, so we have conversations. We talk about some of the things that will go a long way to making sure they’re respected. Cleaning up after themselves, gauging the expected volume and activity level of a place ahead of time and following it even if others don’t, making eye contact/saying “hello” – these are all things they can do to increase the odds of being seen in a positive light.
I also have suggested to them that it’s often helpful to “keep their side of the street clean,” meaning that sometimes if there’s a difference of opinion or conflict, in the end, nobody really remembers how it began or who did/said what. It is usually clearer to stay calm until you’ve had a chance to think things through or talk things over with someone else. Then you can address more effectively when everyone is calmer. If they’d gone off and gotten defensive and argumentative when the librarian asked them not to eat (or if I had), things would likely not have gotten resolved so easily.
What’s interesting is that this never happens with my daughter and friends – never. I can’t remember one time that they have been looked at negatively or suspiciously. I’m not sure whether it’s because they’re girls or whether it’s related to these particular girls having a quieter, less active demeanour. I think walking in carrying a book is less triggering than a basketball:).
It seems like teens are in a really unclear stage of life. On the one hand, people complain about them growing up too quickly but then some people can hardly manage if a 14 teen year old decides to trick or treat. On the other hand, people suggest they need to “grow up” and act responsible but our culture hardly offers them any real ways to take true self-directed initiative. In past times, they would often be in the process of being mentored right now, learning from the older generation but clearly contributing. Childhood seems to have simultaneously shortened and lengthened and teens now have several years where they’re in a sort of holding pattern. For my own part, I try to remember to remain open-minded and empathetic as much as I can.
How about you? Any experiences or tips? Or maybe this isn’t relevant to your experience with your kids/ grandkids or those you see out and about. If not, that’s good to hear!
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This was so interesting to read, Erin. I have noticed how my 8 year old boy is treated by other adults at times and it makes me worry about the not so distant future when he’ll be ‘out on his own’ more. Your examples of what you do to help this situation I’ll have to remember!
My youngest who is 5, he has long, blond hair and is typically mistaken by others as his brothers little sister. It amazes me how others respond differently to him once we correct them and let them know he is a he and not a she. Less gentle, less playful, etc.
There seems to be a lot of work to be done in our society around gender and age.
Ashley, thank you so much for your comment! It’s unfortunate that you notice this at younger ages too. It’s also an interesting observation about how people make assumptions based on things like length of hair and then respond/engage in relation to gender. Yes, I agree there’s some work to be done! I think some of the assumptions about kids and teens come likely have their roots in people seeing large groups of kids together with a low adult:child ratio, often in somewhat disconnected, unsupportive settings and it fuels an expectation. Not sure, but I wonder …
Great article about an under-reported situation. My son is now 24, and works as a snowmobiling guide in the Rockies. As teens, He and his friends were very similar to your son and his friends, and they too experienced open prejudice often. His twin sister and her friends never did. As a culture, we don’t appreciate that most boys and young men need a lot of physical activity as part of their day. We don’t give them places to play, and yet they need it as surely as they need sleep. Thanks for bringing this issue up. I hope as a result of articles like yours, things will change and we’ll give guys the room and respect they need to grow and be.
Heather, I’m sorry to hear your son had a similar experience, but glad to hear that he has such an interesting job! It’s also interesting that your daughter and her friends had a similar experience to mine. It makes me reflect on whether particular personality types are more difficult for other personality types to accept depending on the setting. I absolutely agree about having lots of space and opportunity for physical activity. It’s hard – kids are urged to be active and self-sufficient, but often only within certain framework! Thank you for your comment. 🙂