I suddenly realized I was shifting my weight impatiently from foot to foot. Although my face was smiling, my body language was probably showing that I was ready to go. I was paying for my items at the small grocery store up the street from my house. It’s a friendly place. There isn’t a lot of space to manoeuvre the carts and customers are very accommodating to one another. Best of all is a cashier who seems to work all kinds of hours but is always pleasant and friendly at the checkout. It doesn’t bother her if there are other people in the line. She personally and kindly interacts with whoever she’s checking out. Over and over again.
On this particular day, I was feeling rushed. She had graciously asked how my daughter was doing, remembering that the week before, I had been in picking a few things up for her because she hadn’t been feeling well. Somehow, though, I realized I was feeling impatient with the slow pace of the conversation. I did a quick assessment- was there any actual reason for me to be feeling rushed? I realized there wasn’t. I made a conscious effort to relax and be more gracious in my conversation with her. I mean, it was my own family she was concerned about! We ended up having a lovely conversation. In this fast-paced world, rushing can become more habit than necessity.
What is almost as important as me respecting the small talk we were having? My kids experiencing me making a shift in order to slow down and be respectful.
Sometimes it’s easy to be gracious. A few weeks ago, we were sitting at a red light on a multi-lane street. I became aware that the driver to my left was waving to get my attention. He had his window down to talk to me. As I put my window down, he asked if I would mind if he cut in front of me when the light turned green. He called over quickly that he really needed to get into that lane so that he could get into the Costco parking lot. He was smiling so it didn’t seem like an emergency, but he also was clearly pressed for time. There was no reason not to let him in for the sake of the two or three seconds it would cost me, so, of course, I smiled and said sure. When the light turned green, he quickly moved in front and then tried to wave thank you once he had turned into the parking lot. I waved back to him.
It was a very small interaction but I’ve been on the other side of that coin, needing just a bit of grace from another driver to let me merge in order to make a particular turn. That small act of flexibility can change your day in practical ways but it also creates a small connection between two people, even if just for a few seconds.
I think these are the thoughts that are good to let our kids in on.
On a more serious note, sometimes kindness can be a little more uncomfortable, a bit more inconvenient.
This past summer, we were pulling into a parking lot to pick up some pizza. Just as we approached the turn, my son noticed a man staggering and clutching his chest in the parking lot beside us. I got out of the car and ran over to see if he needed help. As I arrived, another man had also noticed him and reached him at the same time I did. We both tried to talk to him and he began to run away, still clutching his chest. Neither of us were sure what to do. We looked at each other, both wanting to call an ambulance but it appeared that he wanted to be left alone and was refusing help. He began to run over to the pizzeria parking lot where I was parked and the kids were waiting, watching. I gently followed him over and by this time, another man with two young kids was coming out of the pizzeria and trying to communicate with him. Within a few seconds there were four of us, trying to figure out what to do. The man, still clutching his chest and sweating, refused to communicate with us and just kept darting around.
I decided to call 911 anyway. As I was doing this, he left, completely out of sight. I was connected to a very helpful operator and still gave her all the information and she asked me to stay put to see if I was able to see him again and we’d be in contact in a few minutes.
The other bystanders stuck around too, likely to some inconvenience for the man with young children. The man who was in distress didn’t come back to the parking lot. We left feeling strange but were at least able to pray for him in that moment.
It was a confusing situation to navigate but on that day, my teens and the young kids of the father standing by were able to see people continuing to try to help other people, even in unclear circumstances. There was also the obvious point of conversation around getting help for someone in distress when they don’t seem to want it. Do we? Don’t we? What factors do we take into consideration? What seems most respectful?
Of course, my kids have also seen selfishness over grace as well. While they have been part of some better moments – us asking a man who was begging for money outside a grocery store what he’d like us to bring out for him and connecting with him when we bring him the food – they have also seen me rush past that same man with nothing but a quick “hello,” if even that, when my arms are full and I’m in a hurry (again that hurry!).
Kids notice. They are observing.
When my youngest son was 8, we were on a trip to the east coast and were shopping around in a souvenir shop along the Halifax Harbour. There was a man, who appeared extremely downtrodden, asking for money outside the doorway. S became very confused, asking me why nobody passing by was helping him. I explained a few reasons why people might either decide to give or not to give him money – or maybe not be able to give him money. He paused and said to me, “But even if they don’t have money to give him, nobody will even look at him.” That made for interesting and important conversation.
Even young kids are observing. They watch. They learn. Sometimes they question our ways of being. Mostly, though, I think they internalize what they’ve seen.
There are many Character Building homeschool curricula on the market. There are many anti-bullying assemblies/ guest speakers, etc in schools. There always seems to be a “program” or “more money needed” or “the newest book” to read on raising kids with a gracious heart. There is nothing inherently wrong with any of these things and some might be quite helpful, but there is also nothing stronger than solid, natural, regular modelling of grace and kindness to our kids – even in our imperfect efforts.
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I love your article about modelling grace for our children. Your examples were really interesting and thought provoking.
Thank you! Writing it was actually quite thought-provoking when I realized how many simple opportunities there are when I slow down …:). I appreciate the comment.
Really like this. Thanks for these thoughts❤️.
Thanks Allie!