Letting experiences and feelings be what they are …
Two small lessons came to me within an hour. 
If you’re a parent, you’ve likely had the sense of wanting your children to have wonderful experiences, feeling joy and satisfaction as much as possible. Less comfortable feelings are, well, less comfortable. And while some of what our own childhood was like probably plays into how comfortable we are with harder feelings, either a lot or a little, this is likely common to all parents to some degree. It just kind of is.
Experience #1 this afternoon:
My guys excitedly headed snowboarding together with some friends for the first time in a long time. I was excited for them too – it’s not always easy for everyone to get time off work and school at the same time at these ages.
I pictured them through the afternoon, enjoying themselves, having the BEST time. When my youngest returned, I heard they had a mediocre time. No complaints really – just an answer to my question. The terrain park area they were looking forward to was closed, the snow conditions were sticky and “meh.”
Experience #2, shortly after:
Not too many minutes later, my daughter showed me the new phone case that she’d just received by delivery. She’s been looking forward to it all week, budgeted for it and has been tracking its progress online. She brought it to me saying she likes it and is definitely keeping it but is disappointed with the shade of lilac.
My first instinct when my kids are disappointed? To either make it better right away (underestimating their own capacity to deal with things) or downplay their disappointment (invalidating their feelings). What I’ve been learning to do instead? Just listen and offer a calm comment that seems a good fit for the particular person.
The thing is that today they’ve accepted their disappointment and have still decided to see the glass as half full. If they’re too dissatisfied, they’ll make a change. I can be supportive if asked or it seems needed, but it’s not my responsibility (or right) to control what they feel.
These are small things. There are much bigger things that I watch my children and others in my life go through and they wouldn’t be okay for me to talk about here, but these smaller bits are good practice.
There’s another piece here that I noticed. One of my kids made sure to mention to me twice that they still had a good time snowboarding and it was still worth it. I try to pay attention when something is repeated and I also take note that they are possibly trying to protect me from feeling disappointed, from everything not being positive and shiny. Of course it’s not their job to manage my emotions, but I didn’t begin really paying attention to my responses to them until some years ago, and I can see the difference between my older kids and my youngest child in their ability to feel something without needing to make it okay for me, or at least more palatable. It is what it is and I try to do better now.
These aren’t easy things to accept in ourselves, but they are shiftable! We can:
Observe our interactions.
Recognise our responses and theirs.
Accept our part in things.
Apologise if needed.
Change with intention.
Small, subtle moments, it may seem, and yet, also not …
It may be some of the most important work we can do. 🙂
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