This post is based on a weekly piece of writing I do in the Stories of Unschooling Families Community.
Here is last week’s post.
Something to Ponder this Week … What is our “Why?”
“I waved. I’m not sure if you saw.”
These words brought me joy.
Early yesterday evening, my son, S, and I were the only ones home. I’d just finished the Zoom call with the Community and he was leaving for work. As I put away my iPad, I saw him getting ready to pull out of the driveway.
I went to the window to wave. Since the time the kids were little, whoever is in the room or available often waves when people pull out of the driveway. However, in recent years as the kids have gotten older, it’s happened less. More than anyone else, when he was little and beyond, S consistently went to the window to wave to others and has also consistently looked to wave back at people. I have so many memories of pulling out of the driveway and seeing the silhouette of his curly hair through the window as he stood on tiptoe to fully see out.
When grandparents came to visit and it was time for them to go home, the kids would dash out in front of the house, and try to run along with the car until they could no longer keep up. Then they’d wave madly with both hands as the car faded into the distance.
When I think about it, I realize that as much as possible, I like to greet my family and bid them goodbye. On a related note, G recently returned from his travels and as many of us who could, took the time to hang out with him and catch up through the evening. He was so tired but aimed to stay up until S got home from work so he could see him. It would have been fine if he hadn’t waited up but he wanted to and did.
When I took a minute to go over to the window and wave, it had gotten dark and I couldn’t really see whether S waved back, but I noticed the car slow down a bit so I imagined he might have. However, I had dinner to make and I didn’t think any more about it.
Then, a short while later, I heard a ping from my phone and went to have a look. I saw these words:
“I waved. I’m not sure if you saw.”
They were from S and I had one of those moments where my heart flooded with not only love, but also gratitude. I just felt so touched that this 19 year old – 20 in two weeks – would want to let me know that he’d waved. Something seemingly small. Not because he needed to. Not because I was expecting him too. Not because I would have been upset if he hadn’t, but likely just because he wanted me to know his intention to communicate and connect.
Yesterday, when a few of us gathered in that meeting over Zoom, we talked about a range of things. I was very thankful for this way to begin the new year. None of us had really taken much of a dive yet into the John Taylor Gatto writing that some are beginning to read and discuss together, but the bits that we do know of led us into a variety of conversations about “whys” – why we as a society so often stay on the treadmill of certain systems (not just school), why it might be difficult for people (ourselves included sometimes) to move away from those systems even if it’s not seeming like a fit at all, why we might be protective of the parts of parenting we hold dear – our birth and childcare choices, our education choices if we are choosing outside of the box, etc
Then, in this moment of seeing these words from S, I had a sense of my “why” for connected parenting. Maybe it wasn’t my “why” for intentionally beginning because I think that was more around simply wanting to be a kind parent and meet my child’s needs, but my “why” as far as the reasons I’m now thankful we’ve gone down this path. Not that it’s perfect or even close, but that the intention shines through even when we each fall short.
I realize that my “why” is that we feel loved, accepted and anchored in ourselves and in one another. Not bound and obligated to one another, although there are pieces of that within families, but anchored in the sense of each being our own individual self with our own ventures and yet having that familiarity and safe space to land among one another. And again, it’s imperfect. Very imperfect.
Yet that’s what I felt from those few words last night.
“I waved. I’m not sure if you saw” translated in my mind to “I returned your connection. I just wanted you to know.”
This anchoring, this connection, is so much of “why” I’m thankful we’ve taken this path of relationship-based parenting.
Not academics or achievements or specifically how we homeschool or whether we homeschool at all, but that relationship, love and kindness are at the heart of the way we live life together.
I wonder if this resonates with others. Do you have a “why” that comes to mind when you think about the intentions of your family life and the way you parent? And if you think about the things you are thankful for now, is there a “why” that comes to mind?
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