Buying a camper, sharing a purchase of a camper with my son, getting a new tent instead, opening a resource centre, visiting a different provincial park every weekend, moving east, trying veganism again, switching the bedrooms around in the house, writing a book of short stories …
These are all things that have crossed my mind. Guess how many of them I’ve done? None. Guess how many people were expecting me to do them. Zero. 😉 That’s because I’m an internal processor. I twirl ideas around in my head and if you hear me mention one with any seriousness at all, it’s because I’ve pondered it a long time and likely figured out at least some of the details. These thoughts float into my head, but rarely come out of my mouth unless I really plan to move ahead.
It saves me a lot of trouble. It means that I don’t have to answer questions that begin like, “Hey, whatever happened to that idea you had about …?” Or “Have you gotten started yet on the ….?” Or “How are you enjoying ….?” The only one of those ideas I’ve mentioned is the resource centre and I’ve only done so in very hypothetical ways. There’s no commitment.
While it does save me some trouble, others some confusion and therefore has some practicality attached to it, it’s not entirely by choice. It’s mostly how I’m wired. I inherently process internally – the benefits are something I’ve noticed afterward.
Many people are wired differently though. They process their thoughts externally. As they think, they talk. It has its advantages as well. Saying the thing out loud helps them work it through. I have a couple of those people in my life and I’ve learned over time not to get too invested in each statement or idea. It works in two directions… I don’t want to get too worried about things that don’t sound well thought out. I also don’t want to get too excited about things that sound interesting because they may just be passing thoughts.
I also have internal processors in my life and when they come to me with an idea, I can usually be pretty sure that they’re planning to move forward. Normally it’s past the initial idea stage, and many of details and practicalities are already worked out. This can be a shock to the system in another way because I may not have been expecting it and here it is all laid out and ready to go.
With an external processor, however, the challenges are different. The details and practicalities are possibly not worked out before you hear of them. Because they may begin verbally expressing almost as a form of brainstorming, this can be challenging for an internal processor. We might be hanging on every word because for us, saying those things would mean we were past the pondering stage and onto being ready to move forward.
As a parent supporting our child’s learning, this can be particularly confusing.
Here are some things that might be helpful …
Giving space for the generating of ideas.
Our child might be building on an idea bit by bit, gradually developing a plan. It would be unfortunate to stomp on an idea in the initial phase just because it’s not all ironed out in a way that sounds plausible.
Recognizing that they may not be always be looking for feedback.
We can listen deeply, but tread lightly. This is their process. They might just want to say the words out loud either to move them out of their mind or maybe to simply hear how they sound. They may not be looking for input from us about everything they say.
Allowing ample room for dreaming.
This is so important no matter how our child processes information. The words and imaginings we hear might drift and change, float awhile, intensify, mellow, be integrated with other dreams, be the beginning of something solid or abandoned all together.
Their dreaming process will take the space it needs. It’s not really up to us anyway, so we can allow our own minds room to step back.
Holding off on making a change until we’ve checked with them and maybe even some time has passed.
Although I’m an internal processor for the most part, my husband surpasses me in this area. He is at the point of full-on execution by the time he mentions his plans and even then, he doesn’t always mention them. This, paired with the fact that I don’t typically say my initial thoughts out loud, means that if I externally process even a bit, it can be seen as an absolute. For example, it wouldn’t be unusual for me to come down to my computer and find a new organizing system for binders and pens after having casually mentioned I was thinking about a less awkward set up. I’ve learned to thoroughly appreciate this act of service, but I’ve also learned to choose my words carefully.
It helps me relate to what it might feel like for people who process externally most of the time. Many children aren’t juggling the responsibilities that adults are, so while I can learn to be deeply appreciative of someone saving me time by reorganizing something, to them, it could feel like a takeover.
Being aware that just because they are talking doesn’t mean they are talking to us.
Remember they may simply be processing out loud and may not even be aware they are being listened to!
Internal processors might do this too. As an internal processor, some of my time is spent saying ideas out loud to hear how they sound to me. I’m not at all ready to share them or ask for perspectives and I may never reach the point that I am. Our children may also do this sometimes.
They may also process verbally through their play, expressing their thoughts through the voices of stuffed animals, figurines or imaginary characters. That may be enough. Usually we can just leave that to them.
Being aware of our own triggers.
We can’t predict what our kids will think or say, but we can be aware of how we feel physically and emotionally. Do we notice an excited rush of adrenaline when they mention they might become involved in something we’re also interested in? Do we feel relieved to hear of an activity they’d like to try that sounds safe?
Or is there a doubtful thought that suddenly shoots through our mind when they mention plans of something we’re unfamiliar with? Maybe a slower, persistent layer of fear in the pit of our stomach sets in if their ideas are all over the place?
We’re human and these feelings, both physical and emotional, will likely keep making themselves known. What we can do is bring awareness to them. We can notice the way we react to various ideas and proclamations and be curious about that. The curiosity might lead to digging into the reasons behind why some things children choose or say are triggering to us or it could lead to exploring a different perspective. Either way, owning our thoughts, feelings and reactions goes a long way to maintaining clarity when our child processes their thoughts out loud.
Imagining ourselves as a soundboard rather than an advice giver.
As touched on above, advice may have a place … it just isn’t always being looked for.
Do you have a friend you like to dream aloud to? Maybe they love to hear your ideas and plans. It’s fun to toss thoughts around or even just listen to one another. It can also be relieving to complain about something or express frustration, not because you’re ready to change anything, but because it feels good to express your feelings for what they are.
You might also have another friend you’d like to be able to share your ideas and concerns with, but you know it will result in them giving you a reality check on your dreams and a list of answers to improve your challenges.
Keeping close in mind how those two experiences feel to me has helped my perspective with my children and others in my life. Sometimes we’re looking for a reality check and answers, but often we are not! Your children might not be either.
Asking how and if they’d like to us to support them and understanding they might not know exactly or be able to articulate it.
Are they figuring out a dynamic in a friendship?
Deciding whether to join a team or maybe switch sports?
Making a decision about a job?
Deciding whether to play a board game or build with LEGO?
Talking about what they’d like to to do to celebrate their birthday?
Choosing a college or university?
Planning an art project?
Figuring out what feels best for them when honouring the death of a pet?
Deciding what to order when the family arrives at the restaurant?
As you can see, these decisions are wide-ranging in regard to both age and intensity, but letting them know you’re available for support can go a long way. That being said, they may not know or be able to articulate what kind of support they want or whether they even do! So again, tread lightly … watch, listen, offer a helping hand if it seems like it’s wanted and be ready to humbly back off if it isn’t, even for the moment.
Reflecting on our own processing style.
Do you tend to mull things over a good while before mentioning them? Do you find it helpful to process things out loud, verbally expressing them so you can see what they sound like, drawing from the perspectives of others as you go? Are you somewhere between these two places, maybe favouring one a little over the other? It can be so useful to look at our own situation and wonder about how it might impact our responses to our child as well as our own perception of a particular situation.
Anticipating that these reflections of how decisions are processed – both our child’s and our own – might level up as our children go through adolescence and adulthood.
Whew! (I am expressing exhaustion here, not relief!) Being present with a ten year old in deciding whether to spend their money on two video games or one may feel consuming in the moment (and needs to be respected because it is important; it might actually feel like everything to the ten year old). Hearing older teens and young adults working through ideas around financial commitments, car payments, health, shared leases with little known roommates, relationships, education and careers and world views different from our own may require even deeper breaths.
They are working things out bit by bit and if they are processing out loud, we’re getting a front seat to what may seem like ever changing ideas and plans whether we want to or not. Just to note, even naturally internal processors sometimes process externally and vice versa. Our styles are not absolute.
This kind of reflection never really seems to be finished, does it? There isn’t really an end point. We get to places where we feel so much more clarity than we once did in a particular area, but that area opens into another and another ….
The silver lining? Just by realizing that there is always more reflecting to do, we’re able to become more understanding and respectful of who they are as an individual. It often only really happens bit by bit. We put one foot in front of the other and a growing understanding develops. That can be so encouraging!
Our children’s thoughts, hopes and dreams are simultaneously powerful and fragile. We need to both stand in awe and approach gently. When they’re chatting away about them out loud, it doesn’t mean they are any less their own. They are processing in the way that is most effective for them. It can be nothing but helpful to come to a place of better understanding. 🙂
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What a fascinating piece Erin, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, it’s so interesting. I’m definitely coming back to ponder this some more. So much to think about. I’m more of an external processor, my husband not so much. And our children, a mix.
As for those ideas at the beginning of the post, it’s like you were reading my mind. Ah, if only we were geographically closer…
Thank you, Hayley.:) I had to go back and read it again and then started pondering more myself! It’s fun that you could relate to that first bit .. yes, being closer would be wonderful – at least we have the virtual world!
Thanks for this informative and interesting piece Erin. I think the reminder to “tread lightly” is important to keep in mind when communicating with friends as well. as children. You have given me something new to reflect upon!
You’re welcome … and thank you for your comment! The “tread lightly” is such a helpful piece for me to consider as well and I agree it’s important when we’re communicating with people of any age.