A View from the Other End of the Homeschooling Trail - Enjoying our Teens and Young Adults

The first home education get together that I experienced was in the Spring 2003. Spring Of 2003. 17 years ago. Wow! While it initially doesn’t sound that long ago, at further consideration, I’m realizing that it actually is!

It was a get together at a park down in a valley that had a playground, some wooded trails and most prominently, a wide area of creek flowing through it, with a high bluff rising above. It was a beautiful day and several families had gotten together to watch the trout swim upstream, have a picnic, play and explore. They were a friendly crowd and my son, being a few months short of “school age,” was younger than many, but with so many families with younger siblings, along with kids of many ages playing together, it didn’t seem to matter.

There were two other things I noticed in particular. The kids spoke not only to kids of other ages really easily but were comfortable and pleasant with adults as well. I liked that.

The other thing was the sheer physicality of the situation! These kids were very physically immersed in their play – climbing really high. Running really fast. Digging really deep. Getting really dirty🙂. Wading into the creek to get across or explore. They were physically very comfortable and competent and I admit I was a bit overwhelmed. Looking at it more objectively, I think they likely looked similar to kids just a very few decades ago but by even the early 2000s,  physical play and freedom were already looking different. So,  I remember that it seemed a bit much to me that day – a bit free, lol. It was about to become more inviting though.

I had first heard about the concept of homeschooling at the turn of the century/ millennium. Seems crazy. In very late 1999, I was pushing G in a stroller, alongside another mum and baby, and she mentioned that she planned to homeschool him. The word sounded vaguely familiar to me but still very strange. I was open, polite and semi interested but still didn’t see myself forgoing those anticipated first day of kindergarten photos and school concerts. And yet, little else that I was doing in my parenting was particularly mainstream, so I didn’t close my mind to the idea.

Over that next year, I began to randomly meet family after family who were home educating in one way or another. I arrived at a family resource centre and heard a mother who had older children as well as her baby talking about how they unschooled. Three other families joined her that day, also unschooling. At a park near our house, I would often see a pair of grandparents with their grandchildren and hear them talking to people there about how their grandsons were homeschooling. I joined a baby/family group that had a meeting one evening a month and met another mother who was homeschooling her older children. And then another. I began working at a new job and the coordinator was an unschooling mother. Even when I joined Usborne Books at Home a few years later, my supervisor called to introduce herself and lo and behold, she was a former homeschool mother whose children were now adults. What was going on?? Apparently this was a whole thing!

Fast forward to more than two decades of parenthood and almost 17 years of home educating and I’m realizing that I’m coming out the other side of the trail. As wonderful as these 17 years have been, they have also been far from easy. They have been complex as I’ve gathered my brain around different personalities (most importantly, my own), needs, learning theories and how living and learning best works for us, how to build and be part of community and who each of the kids really is. The balance of paid work and home education has been, for me, the most difficult piece but, without question, it’s been worth it.

And, as with every other home educating parent that I’ve ever met or read about, I got the questions, seemingly from almost every place we went. This felt like the second hardest part.

Is what you’re doing legal?

Will they learn to read?

How will they learn math?

How will they make friends?

Won’t they miss out on school spirit events, etc?

How will they learn to follow rules?

Will they be able to get a job?

Will they be able to achieve higher education?

Will they ever be able to survive in the real world?

How will they learn to separate themselves from you?

Don’t you think it’s important for them to learn worldviews other than your own?

Do you feel qualified to homeschool? Ah, and there it is. The one that cuts to the heart of the matter of all the others … sometimes followed by the ever predictable statement that they wouldn’t be confident enough to do it because they aren’t really qualified and might leave gaps in their children’s education. Fair enough … fortunately, I only need to answer for myself:).

Because we didn’t follow a specific curriculum, but more of a self- directed, collaborative, life learning approach, it made it all the more difficult to answer some of those questions.

 Yet here I am on the other side of the experience.

So, what is the “other side of homeschooling?”

I haven’t walked too far on that side yet but I think it’s when …

You have a young adult (or more) beginning their own adult life/lives.

You have teenagers that are getting close enough to adulthood that you can begin to see some of the paths they are interested in, both personally and professionally.

You are no longer secretly wondering in even just a small part of your heart if maybe, just maybe, you’re wrong and this home education gig won’t work after all.

On the other hand, you may have some regrets. With the benefit of hindsight, you may wish you’d done some things differently, sooner, later or not at all.

Your time has shifted from trying to figure out how to safely keep track of everyone at the zoo and make it home in time for soccer to supporting your son or daughter in getting letters of references for job applications or figuring out the details of college application. Note: this stage may include frequent wondering if you’re either over-supporting or under-supporting … confusing stage of life for everyone, this.

You are navigating who you are, both in your family and in the world, as your role of “home educating parent” slides away or is close to sliding away.

Fast forward from that even a bit and it may involve helping think through plans for housing, travel, permanent employment, or continuing education after college (or not).

There is no possible way to count all the things you’ve learned and places you’ve been that your family has taught and introduced to you, and you realize more than ever that what you brought to the table was part of the equation rather than the only factor.

You now know multiple kids – ones who you may remember as toddlers – who have grown up home educating and it’s just really cool to see them becoming adults.

You realize that home education “working” is a big and broad definition that really might just mean that kids go on into adulthood and keep learning, living life and being who they are.

You are no longer feeling you need to prove to multiple naysayers that your kids will “turn out alright.” You realize that the standard of who they want to be and what they want to do is defined by your kids themselves. You get to keep on supporting and enjoying the amazing people they are.

I’m beginning to be aware of this feeling of being on the other side not because I’m finished. The kids range from 20 down to 14. If I’m getting technical about it, I still have another three and a half years left with my youngest and hopefully many more to just keep in touch and enjoy life with the others. However, all those questions that I was asked – the ones listed above? I can now answer each of them positively. Even for my fourteen year old, I am clear about answering these questions. Literacy, numeracy, social life, social skills, work/job skills, ability to be accepted into post-secondary education, real world skills, critical thinking and knowledge of varying world views, yes, yes, yes..

And none of it is perfect. My family isn’t. And I do have some regrets.  There are some things we could have done differently but I think that is the case for many people.

There are also important things other than those common questions. They aren’t as easily measured or described but they sure are meaningful.

People tend to ask about how things are going for a child in college, usually meaning marks and future plans and prospects. Those things are all fine to chat about, but I see other things happening right now as well.

I see navigating roommate situations thoughtfully and sensitively. Exploring new ideas and interests. I see a growing into oneself and being comfortable, happy even, in one’s own skin and company. I see balancing one’s own needs with keeping involved with family. A growing capacity to forgive. Concern for and interest in grandparents. A willingness to work hard and collaborate with college expenses. A steadfastness and willingness to work hard to avoid student debt. A quiet faith. Fun. Joy.

Others may ask how older teens are doing and it’s usually along the lines of their academics, future goals, social life, getting their license. Again, all interesting things but more exciting to me are other things I’m noticing as they get older.

With one, I think of the full conversations. The passing on of things known to be interesting to me. The willingness for one to accept a college offer even though he’s likely quite nervous. The humility to be open to perspective and wisdom of others around some of the details. The crazy fun sense of humour. The fascinating points of view. The ability to make friends with a hundred people. The generous spirit!

The willingness for another to focus on things other than college because it doesn’t seem like a path that holds interest right now and may not ever. The ability to find rich and interesting things to pursue. The drive to work hard at small but steady goals that not everyone gets and to be okay with that. The genuine interest in other people.

For yet another, the growing maturity in setting one’s own goals and deciding how much and in what way to pursue them. The ability to stay true to one’s own path even at what’s often a tricky age, without ever putting down the choices of others. The skill of making sure to have enough time for oneself. The quirky sense of humour. The shared shows and movies – priceless.

With each of them, I am most moved by their commitment to and respect for each other. They are becoming people who are very different from one another, but they enjoy each other and I genuinely enjoy them. There’s a sense that we’ve moved into a different, older space. Looking back several years ago, I wasn’t looking forward to the teen and young adult years. Not at all, actually. I was heavily invested in beautiful picture books, soccer games and playdough creations. I enjoyed watching my daughter’s ballet, church pageants and children’s TV shows. I was comfortable and very much in my zone. But I see things differently now.  I am truly interested in these young people whose lives I get to be a part of. These past few years haven’t been easy ones and they still aren’t. They continue to be busy and complex in a whole different way, but in other ways, they’re just so enjoyable:).