Episode #42: What to Do When We Feel Like a Rubbish Parent: 13 Steps to Dealing with Parenting Doubt
Sometimes we all feel we’ve missed the mark with our kids and it’s not a great feeling. What might be helpful during those times?
In this conversation, we return to follow up on the discussion from Episode #40: Feel Like a Rubbish Parent? Nine Things to Remember When You Feel Like a Rubbish Parent and weave in some action steps as well as explore many related thoughts. We invite you to join us!
Both of these conversations are based on Hayley’s blog posts of the same titles. You can link in the Resources to read the full posts.
We Discuss:
That it’s alright to have hard feelings, yet we don’t want to become stuck in them
Sending ourselves a very intentional message to slow down and not get into spiralling negative thoughts
Distraction as a way to create some space from anxious or negative thoughts for a period of time
The innate coping mechanisms that our systems have that we can trust to give us natural space from worry, often in the form of sleep and rest
Bringing ourselves back to the present moment
How we often spend a lot of our time in the extremities of thinking about the past or the future
Life as a series of moments, and reminding ourselves that we get to choose how to make the most of those, learn from them and put them into the big focus, letting the others drift away
Remembering that what we take from any moment is going to be different from those around us
That when we’re living up in our head, we’re not as present and connected with our children
Reminding ourselves of the gratitude we have for the particular stage our children are in as a way of coming back to the moment and not missing these times that we won’t get back
Using our senses to help, bring us back to the present moment and getting back into our body
Deciding which input we’re going to listen to, and let in, and choosing which voices and people to have in our lives and to centre
Noticing which experiences we really feel present in and bringing more of those in
Acknowledging our greater need for rest sometimes when we live more presently and fully in the moment
Spending time with our kids in ways that we are both focussed and engaged with as a way of staying present and connected
That some personalities have a tendency toward glass half empty versus glass half full and and it may be helpful to quite intentionally practice gratitude if it doesn’t feel it’s coming up on its own
Bringing in humour and deciding which way we’re going to see a situation
Looking from the perspective that things are either okay or they’re a story
Having conversations with our kids at the end of the day, each highlighting two things we were grateful for during the day and two things that didn’t feel so good as a way of practicing gratitude while also understanding other feelings are part of our days as well
Being grateful for the very personality characteristics of both ourselves and our children that challenge us by recognizing they also lead us to greater understanding and reflection
Noticing the messages and what it is that we’re reacting to from our children’s expressions and actions
That sometimes taking a pause (sometimes a long one) to gather our thoughts and reflect on our feelings before we react to our child can keep things from spiralling
Needing to prove our point and getting defensive in moments that feel illogical to us or where we don’t feel great about the way we’ve handled things
Taking stock of what it is about something that’s triggering us and what is the bigger story around that for ourselves
The tendency for us as parents, if we haven’t breathed through the emotion, to “up” our defenses even higher directly after an apology rather than just authentically stating it
The emotional and mental work involved in learning and working towards living a new or unconventional way (eg. attachment parenting or unschooling) and the risk of projecting our own apprehension when triggered by things that might not be related
Keeping our emotions in flow rather than getting stuck in a rut with ourselves and our children
The overwhelm of feeling incompetent and frustrated as a parent
Crying and physical movement as ways of moving our emotions through
Holding our feelings in for moments where that feels the safest or best … yet acknowledging that they’re there and intentionally giving ourselves time later to process and move them through
Choosing to talk less sometimes
Choosing kindness toward ourselves and our children, and that it doesn’t necessarily matter where kindness starts because it will circle around either way
Challenges, ideas and strategies when our children are blaming or feeling negatively about our parenting
Making space for the inevitability of strong emotion, differences of opinion and arguments
That as parents, we sometimes need to give ourselves grace for criticisms our children might have, while at the same time validating our children and being accountable
Remembering that children can often come to their own conclusions and resolve things without us necessarily becoming involved
The parenting doubts that can arise because we’re feeling disconnected from our children
Apologies – the positive feeling a child might have of seeing an adult be accountable, yet the possibility at the same time of frequent apologies, seeming inauthentic or a way to avoid or stop conflict quickly
The problem with forced apologies and the pressure we can sometimes feel from other parents or relatives whether it feels warranted to us or not
That some friendships and sibling relationships really don’t even require an apology within their dynamics and it’s sort of understood that there will be ups and downs and things just move on
Reflecting with our children about people’s intentions and what might be going on for them
Wanting our kids to grow up to have their own ideas and have the ability to say no, set healthy boundaries, etc but we don’t always feel grateful for those characteristics in the moment when they’re directed toward us
Our families as safe learning ground for these skills of self-determination
What people think of our kids … sometimes when we’re out, it’s less about us being upset and more about an awareness we might have of other people watching
Maintaining a practice of circling back to whether and how things are working at a given time
How our main plan ultimately needs to be to remain flexible and open to change – leaning in, yet also letting go
Being there for our children and letting them lean into us, then stepping back and letting them learn what it means to be their own person, yet also being there for them to lean in again as needed at other points
Parenting as a relationship rather than a job with a checklist
Resources:
Episode #40: Feel Like a Rubbish Parent? 9 Things to Do When You Doubt your Parenting
Who I Am: The Words I Tell Myself by Susan Verde, Peter H. Reynolds (Illustrator)